Sunday, March 29, 2009

Get Green and Save Gaia Now Or Else!

Oh, holy shit! Did I miss it? Was Gaia hour yesterday, or is it today? I always forget the really important holidays, and this new holiday is probably the all time most important new holiday of all time, and maybe more! Save Gaia hour. What a concept. I'm sure it's gotta' be listed somewhere in the Book of the Dead, or maybe Druids or Wiccans used to do it too, or maybe not! This could represent a new awakening of the spirit of Mother Gaia, communicating to us, her illegitimate bastard spawn that we had better get back to nature before she puts us there!

I've been reading up on life in the rainforest, and it's nothing but tragic that we have become so alienated from from our earthly roots. Think how cool it would be to live in a totally organic grass and mud hut, running around naked, and feasting on lizards, roots, and palm grubs. You could pierce your nose, lips, and cheeks with really for real boar's tusks and bird bones, and make full body tatts out of shallow incisions rubbed with cold ashes. They even have totally natural organic hallucinogens out there, and no uncool cops to bust you for using them. But I digress.

The thing here is Save Gaia Day. We have to stop being pigs for an hour, or maybe throw a party or something. What to do? Maybe I can send a card. No, no. Sending a card would use up energy. So would a telephone call, or even an e-mail... Lemme think- That's it! I'll think some groovy thoughts for Gaia, and that will atone for all the damage my parasitic presence has caused! I'll think of some poor baby polar bear standing there hungry on an ever shrinking ice flow. Imagine there's no penguins- it isn't hard to do. Think of rising sea levels, and half of Upper Tonga under water- the last few indigenous souls crowded on a shrinking sand spit trying to snag some hapless dolphin for the community stew pot. Think of- Oh, wait.

Even thinking takes energy, and the energy I use up thinking was bought and paid for by the suffering of Goddess Gaia. You know- all those tiny oats crushed in their prime. The banana that should rightly have gone to some jungle monkey. The coffee beans ripped untimely from Gaia's womb... No, thinking won't do.

That's it. I won't think for an hour. I'll just sit quietly, and breathe. Except that means I'll be exhaling carbon dioxide, and that's what is causing the polar bears to melt. Maybe I'll hold my breath for an hour. I'm sure Gaia would thank me.



QP said...

Does this mean you'll be changing the blog title to "jwm's gaia famous blog"?

mushroom said...

Well done, John.

I like totally missed earth hour myself. Wasn't the space shuttle coming back down about that time? Does anybody ever bitch about the "carbon footprint" of a shuttle launch? Or a Mars mission? Or the launch of a comm sat so the greenies can all sit around and watch "Animal Planet"? (Not that I'm anti-space exploration -- quite the contrary. On the other hand, if it comes down to the shuttle or my Silverado, NASA can kiss my ass.)

They also seem to show Antarctic ice melting when it's winter in the Northern Hemisphere, and Arctic ice melting when it's summer in this half.

Ice melts in summer?


julie said...

John, I stumbled across this just now and thought of you. Definitely not gaia friendly ;)

jwm said...

Why did you have to do that to me, Julie? Huh? Why?
*mustmustmust have giant robot*
I am no longer complete while that thing exists without being mine.


Sal said...

Someone needs to get out the explanation that not being 'green' as defined by ecofanatics does not necessarily mean that you want to drown in your own filth, either.
Lefties- everything is black or white.
And as John so brilliantly points out, every action has a consequence. No wonder they go nuts.