Mid week blues

Sun, 9/25 The San Pedro is in bloom. More flowers than ever.

Sunday flowers

 

9/21/22

It's just after three in the afternoon, Wednesday, and I'm so goddamn bored I could scream. Been down with this bug since last Friday, and it's fading away  very slowly. Last night I was sure I was done with it, but by mid morning I was feeling like shit again.

 

This morning I learned that my bike club sister, Penny got kicked off facebarf again. Penny's crime was posting memes that embarrass the democrats, and especially that rancid piece of shit Biden. She posts nothing obscene, nothing that calls for violence. She found her self locked out of her account this morning. The reason given was that she posted something in a meme some months ago that violated "community standards". They wouldn't tell her what it was. Turns out anyone who posts the pic of Hunter in his underwear gets the axe. It's happened to a few of my friends, now. They will search your posts back, literally for years looking for violations of the community standards, and bust accounts for them.

Facebarf is utterly despicable. They're an internet mafia of hard left social justice warriors in service to the democrat party. They worship the Father of Lies.

 

And then it was on to the rest of the internet. Thank God for VanderLeun. He doesn't pull any punches with the awful situation we face in this country, but he tempers it with stories of inspiration and grace. Sometimes those stories are the only positive input I get.

But it's all still just depressing as hell.

I can keep an even keel when I can work. Fortunately, I put the fender bomb project  on hold so I could get all the stones ready for the show in October. I'm very glad that all that work is done. I'd be sweating it hard if I had to jump into a working burn feeling like this. But lacking the energy to carve, I'm just wasting time farting around on line.

 

 Saturday, 9/24

I called Kaiser, and had a phone appt. with the doc. It wasn't very productive. I do need to get in and get some blood work done. Every time I think this thing might be letting go, I turn out to be wrong.

And my own, often sketchy mental health is making matters worse.

 This whole fucking nightmare we've been dragged through the last three years with the coup, and the China virus has devastated large swaths of my inner landscape. I have developed a full blown phobia of masking. When I see fools slouching around in their face rags my teeth clench, and my gut tightens up like I'm facing a threat. I start feeling like I'm trapped in a horror movie, and I can't get out. It's all I can do to keep my mouth shut, and not scream at them.

Just the thought of having to put one of those filthy things on my face  sparks a rage in me, and if I had to actually wear one I'd go into a full amygdala hijack- panic attack, in other words. I'd get very unpleasant very fast. And you can't even get on a Kaiser campus without a mask.

The doc said they may be lifting the requirement sometime in the near future. Maybe. I made a request for a sedative if I need to go in for the lab work.  I hate benzo's, but I'd need a heavy hit of klonapin, valium, or xanax to make it through without causing a scene. It is embarrassing to have to admit this. My inner voice says, "Just deal with it. Act like a goddamn grown up." But it just doesn't work that way. It isn't something I can just turn off. I don't do this on purpose to get attention. I didn't get a yes or a no on the request. Just, "wait it out, and see..." I should hear from them this morning.